Dale Carnegie’s famous books offer advice for winning friends, influencing people and reducing stress. Most of his advice can be applied to husbands and wives as well as to strangers and business partners. However, he has dealt with the subject of marital happiness and marital discord in his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People (Simon and Schuster, 1964).
In fact, he created an entire section of the book titled, “Part Six: Seven Rules for Making Home Life Easier.” This part summarizes many of the principles throughout the other parts of the book and applies them directly to married couples.
Carnegie’s Rules for Marriage
Dale Carnegie has seven rules for building a happy marriage:
- Don’t nag.
- Don’t try to make your partner over.
- Don’t criticize.
- Give honest appreciation.
- Pay little attentions.
- Be courteous.
- Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.
How to Win Friends and Influence People was originally copyrighted in 1936, but Carnegie’s rules for marriage are applicable to husbands and wives even today. This is due to the fact that they revolve around being courteous to each other, showing respect for the individual and paying attention to the details that matter (and overlooking the ones that do not).
Conflict Negotiation for Husbands and Wives
Carnegie’s rules to not nag or criticize are shortened lessons from his book that teaches to win the other person’s goodwill. Carnegie says the only way to get people to do something is to make them want to do it. A constant barrage of demands or criticism – in short, nagging – will accomplish nothing positive. Instead it will create resentment and drive a wedge between the married couple.
His advice to not “make your partner over” is similar because many husbands and wives have a hard time accepting each other’s peculiarities. Instead of trying to change each other with “improvements,” criticisms or public and private put-downs, Carnegie recommends husbands and wives become more accepting of each other’s little “peculiar ways.”
Good Manners in Marriage
Dale Carnegie’s rules to give honest appreciation and to be courteous can be summed up by saying husbands and wives should be thankful for each other’s contributions to the marriage and should use good manners. According to Carnegie, the feeling of importance is the greatest desire of all people. Every husband and wife wants to be appreciated for his or her unique role in the marriage. He wants to feel important to his wife and family when he goes to work, cares for the children or tackles household chores – and so does she.
One of the best ways to build up goodwill in marriage is to be honestly appreciative for all that a spouse contributes and to express appreciation as often as possible. Saying “thank you” is a basic courtesy that also comes from honest appreciation. Saying “please” recognizes that the other person’s time and effort has value.
Being rude to each other or merely forgetting good manners do not build up the marriage. In fact, Carnegie says, “Rudeness is the cancer that devours love.” He laments that husbands and wives are kinder to strangers than they are to each other.
Being an Attentive Husband or Wife
The rule to “pay little attentions” is directed mainly at husbands. Carnegie says most marital discord is caused by small things that add up rather than one large incident. His advice to create and keep a happy home life is to remember birthdays and anniversaries, bring home flowers on occasion or serve her breakfast in bed.
His advice can be applied to wives as well. Although a wife may not forget her anniversary, she can show her husband little attentions. Examples might include writing a note for his briefcase, charging his iPod, warming up his towel after a shower or remembering to ask about an important meeting he had at work.
Written before the Sexual Revolution, it is no wonder why How to Win Friends and Influence People included the rule to read a good book on marital relations. It is still good advice. All couples can benefit from open communication about frequency, timing and what they find pleasurable.
Dale Carnegie’s, “Seven Rules for Making Home Life Easier” are a straight-forward guide to building a happy marriage. He recommends placing emphasis on good manners, thankfulness and being appreciative. Focusing time on building up the marriage in small ways will help to keep the marriage strong.
Source: Carnegie, Dale. How to Win Friends and Influence People, Simon and Schuster, 1965.
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Genna Cockerham - Genna Cockerham has been writing online since November 2008. She served as Marriage Feature Writer from December 2008 to February ...
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