Blended families can experience problems when spouses, siblings and stepchildren feel jealous of the time other family members spend together or the depth of the relationships. Learn ways of dealing with jealousy between family members.
When a Spouse is Jealous of a Stepchild
One of the best-kept secrets of blended families is that many married couples do not immediately come to love their stepson or stepdaughter and many experience feelings of jealousy regarding their stepchildren, according to “I Love Him, But Not His Kids,” a March 10, 2007, article by Emma Cook in The Guardian. Cook explains that stepmothers in particular may feel as though they would be criticized for their feelings of jealousy. Dealing with jealousy is complex, and couples shouldn’t force their partners to develop a relationship with their stepchildren before both parties are ready. “That expectation of immediate love and intimacy is too much, and if you get forced into it, on both sides there'll be resistance, which will continue to create problems," Janet Reibstein, a psychology professor specializing in family relationships at Exeter University, told Cook.
Marital Communication Helps Jealousy
Remarried couples need to focus on finding opportunities to communicate and spend time together, even during a stepchild’s visit, according to The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Stepparenting [Alpha Books, 1998] by Ericka Lutz. Whether it is having a quiet cup of coffee together before work or staying up late to share a movie, remarried couples can reduce stress by keeping their relationship strong. Not only does setting aside time for the adults create a more relaxed atmosphere, it models a healthy relationship for the children. Lutz says spouses who feel abandoned when their partner is spending time with a stepchild should include themselves in a few activities to avoid feeling even more left out.
When Siblings are Jealous of Stepchildren
Siblings may feel jealous when a stepsister or stepbrother is the primary focus of attention during visits. Stepchildren may be exempt from the house rules, showered with gifts or seen as removing a father or mother from the family dynamic.
One way to deal with a sibling’s jealousy of a stepsister or stepbrother is to enforce rules with consistency. House rules should be applied evenly to all the children in the home, and a family meeting to go over the rules at the start of a visit should include everyone instead of only the stepchild. Relations among the children will be tougher if the siblings in the home feel as though the stepchild gets a free pass to act up in addition to spending special time with a parent, says licensed professional counselor Susan Wisdom in “Preparing for a Stepchild's Summer Visit,” an article by Lisa Cohn on theParentSite.com.
It’s also important to be aware of the feelings of other children in the house, such as jealousy over sharing space that is usually theirs alone. If the children have to share a bedroom during visits, try to find a quiet corner, special chair or other place where each child can have alone time or a place to escape. Blocking off a period of time each day for the children to be separated may also help to reduce stress during visitations. Another antidote to jealousy is to plan family activities, dinner together or trips to avoid a spouse feeling left out or siblings feeling abandoned. Instead of lavish gifts for the stepchild, Wisdom says partners should focus on giving loving attention and support to all the children in the home.
It’s normal for remarried couples and their children to face challenges dealing with jealousy. The best ways of dealing with jealousy in blended families involve marital communication and carving out time to be together and alone.
Resources
Cohn, Lisa. “Preparing For a Stepchild's Summer Visit.” TheParentSite.com.
Cook, Emma. “I Love Him, But Not His Kids,” The Guardian. March 10, 2007.
Lutz, Ericka. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Stepparenting. NY: Alpha Books, 1998.
Genna Cockerham - Genna Cockerham has been writing online since November 2008. She served as Marriage Feature Writer from December 2008 to February ...
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