- Emerson Eggerichs is Author of Love and Respect - Thomas Nelson
For years Emerson Eggerichs served as a minister, studying the Bible and providing Christian marriage counseling to husbands and wives with marriage problems. In his book, Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs [Thomas Nelson, 2004], Eggerichs shares his conclusion that Ephesians 5:33 issues commands to govern Christian marriage for husbands and wives and explains why spouses can struggle after marriage.
Ephesians 5:33 and Christian Marriage
In his letter to the Ephesians (NIV edition), the Apostle Paul writes, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Eggerichs asserts that these are the primary commands to a Christian husband and his wife. Wives are not commanded to love because, Eggerichs says, it is already in their nature to love and nurture. Conversely, husbands are commanded to love their wives because acting in the loving way she needs may not come naturally to them.
Why Love and Respect are Hard
The problem with husbands and wives who are trying to live out Ephesians 5:33 is that they are commanded to love unconditionally and respect unconditionally. While unconditional respect is his primary need, it is against her nature to be respectful when he isn’t acting loving toward her.
It is a challenge for a woman to respect her husband when she may not feel like her husband has done anything deserving of that respect. She feels like she is deserving of unconditional love from her husband but he isn’t entitled to respect unless he earns it. “When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he’s responsible for both love and respect in the relationship.”
The husband is in a similar situation. While unconditional love is her primary need, it is against his nature to act loving when he feels like he is not respected. How can a husband act loving to a wife who is critical, disrespectful and shows him contempt? He will try to “force” his wife to respect him in ways that will not feel loving to her. After years of seeing this action and reaction while practicing Christian marriage counseling, Eggerichs developed the term, “The Crazy Cycle.”
The Crazy Cycle and Marriage Problems
Eggerichs’ Crazy Cycle illustrates how a husband and wife feed into a pattern of unloving and disrespectful behavior while failing to meet each other’s deepest need. Without love, she reacts without respect. Without respect, he reacts without love.
Married couples find themselves in a constant state of feeding off each other’s negativity and developing marriage problems. A woman will feel as though she is unloved in her marriage. A man will feel like he is respected everywhere except in his own home by his own wife.
Eggerichs says the different ways men and women communicate and deal with conflict exacerbates this Crazy Cycle. When men face conflict they may walk away and avoid confrontation. A woman feels unloved by her husband’s stonewalling and may complain or criticize him in an effort to force him to talk about the problem. Talking through problems is a woman’s way of dealing with conflict. There is a disconnect between the two methods of dealing with conflict and this makes it more difficult to navigate communication after marriage.
Marriage Help for Christian Couples
Many Christian couples may be familiar with what Ephesians 5:33 says but they may not see this scripture as a command for Christian marriage. Recognizing the truth behind Ephesians 5:33 is the first step. But marriages can’t get better without heeding the marriage advice in the Scripture and changing the behaviors that cause the Crazy Cycle to spin.
To stop the Crazy Cycle, Eggerichs says whoever sees himself or herself as the more mature person has to initiate the change and make the first move toward reconciliation. Apologizing for unloving or disrespectful behavior and trying to do better can stop the Crazy Cycle.
This is not a one-time act of love or respect but becomes a pattern of living over time. Each new conflict can set the Crazy Cycle spinning. The couple is now empowered, however, by the knowledge of what is happening and why they are arguing. They know they can stop the argument and deescalate conflict. Each time they succeed at ending the Crazy Cycle by trying to meet each other’s most basic need will strengthen the marriage.
Author Emerson Eggerichs spent years providing Christian marriage counseling to married couples. Eggerichs’ book, Love and Respect, explains how Ephesians 5:33 provides a simple command to Christian wives and husbands. Husbands are to meet their wives most basic need of love and wives are to meet their husbands’ most basic need for respect. Understanding how the lack of love and respect in marriage can set the Crazy Cycle spinning is the first step to improving marriage problems.
Genna Cockerham - Genna Cockerham has been writing online since November 2008. She served as Marriage Feature Writer from December 2008 to February ...
