How to Prepare for a Stepchild's Visit

Plan Ahead to Improve Holiday & Summer Visitation With Stepchildren

Jul 15, 2009
Genna Cockerham

Visits Can be Hard on Blended Families - Photo by Pearlie Ng

Whether it is summer visitation or holiday visits, there are ways remarried couples and blended families can prepare the household for visits with a stepchild.

There are several steps remarried couples and blended families can take to ensure that summer visitation or holiday visits with stepchildren are pleasant for everyone. The best way to improve the chances of a nice visit is to make preparations in advance that will plan the visit and manage the expectations of everyone in the stepfamily.

Planning for Visitation With Stepchildren

Getting ready for a summer visitation or holiday visit begins well in advance when the non-custodial parent is negotiating or planning for the visit with the other biological parent. As plans are discussed, changed or otherwise rearranged, it is important for the remarried couple to be in frequent communication about the plans, according to Ericka Lutz’s The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Stepparenting, [AlphaBooks, 1998].

“Often the step feels out of the loop as the parent and the ex continue an intimate and often hostile relationship, planning times and setting up dates,” Lutz says. Conversely, remarried couples who communicate about the changing plans and difficulty of negotiating the visit can deepen the bonds of their partnership. Communication between spouses is especially important in blended families since a change in visitation may affect the entire family’s schedule.

What Does the Stepchild Expect of the Visit?

It can be useful to learn what expectations the visiting stepson or stepdaughter has for the visit. If a holiday visit falls before or after the actual holiday, the child may prefer a traditional celebration. For example, some families celebrate Thanksgiving when everyone can be there instead of on the actual holiday. A visit that falls a few weeks prior to a birthday or Christmas may be a better time to celebrate the holiday than a visit that falls after the event.

Discussion Topics for the Biological Parent and Step-Parent

There are several conversations remarried couples need to have prior to a scheduled visitation so the visit goes more smoothly, Susan Wisdom told Lisa Cohn in the article, “Preparing For A Stepchild's Summer Visit.” Wisdom is the co-author of the book Stepcoupling [Three Rivers Press, 2002] with Jennifer Green and a licensed professional counselor specializing in stepfamilies.

“These visits can be difficult and challenging. You need to make a plan,” Wisdom said. The couple should determine house rules in advance, especially in homes where there are no additional children. Couples should decide before the stepchild arrives who will be enforcing the rules and who will be the primary caregiver, according to Wisdom.

The couple should discuss planned activities or trips during the visit, according to Dawn Miller in the May 31, 2005, Stepfamilylife.com article, “ Your Stepchild: This Summer – Your House.” They can find ways the family can spend time together and decide when the biological parent will have one-on-one time with the child. Making plans in advance will help alleviate feelings of the step-parent being left out, family time being forgotten or children in a blended household feeling left behind.

Finally, married couples need to decide the budget for the visit in advance, Miller says. Being on the same page about expenditures is important for setting similar expectations for the visit. When the budget is determined in advance, it allows both partners to discuss what expenditures are reasonable in a non-confrontational manner. It also helps to frame decisions about trips the family will take during the visit and other activities, gifts or treats the biological parent has planned.

Married couples and blended families who are preparing for a summer visitation with a stepson or stepdaughter need to discuss important issues before the visit. The non-custodial parent should keep his or her spouse informed of the arrangements being made for the visit, especially when plans are changing. Partners need to discuss what trips or activities the visit will include, discipline during the visit, finances and dividing time between family events and one-on-one time.