How to Stop Family Fighting During the Holidays

Best Ways to Keep the Peace at Holiday Gatherings

Nov 19, 2009
Genna Cockerham

: Stop Family Fighting at Family Events - Sanja Gjenero

Stop family fighting and avoid making family issues worse by following these tips to reduce stress and keep the peace at holiday gatherings.

Family fighting can be one of the most stressful parts of spending time with in-laws and relatives. All holidays do not need to turn into huge arguments across the Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner table, however. Learn how to reduce stress and minimize fighting during family gatherings.

Family Issues Arise at Every Holiday

Common family communication problems include families who bicker, those who use the gathering as an opportunity to rekindle old arguments and those who simply don’t get along well. Families who end up fighting at every holiday need to make a change. Holiday gatherings are not the time or the place to discuss complex family issues or problems, according to Dr. Phil McGraw in the O: The Oprah Magazine December 2009 article, “Dr Phil: Nine Holiday Headaches and how to Survive Them With Good Cheer.” Dr. Phil says just because everyone is together does not mean it is time to try to solve family problems or rehash old wounds.

”If there’s an important issue for the entire family to discuss, talk about it before you gather or wait until after the holiday,” Dr. Phil advises. Having a set time and place to talk about these issues can help clear the air and relieve any pressure to resolve them over Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. If a relative brings up a hot topic during the holiday, Dr. Phil says it is OK to cut off the conversation by setting up a later time and date to discuss it as a family.

He (or She) Doesn’t Get Along with Family

Even when the holidays don’t turn into brawls there are simply some people who don’t get along well together. While it’s possible to avoid family members sometimes, the holiday often throws together people who aren’t compatible. The key to keeping these visits harmonious is to keep them “short and sweet,” according to etiquette expert Peggy Post in the December 2009 Good Housekeeping article, “All is Calm: How to Handle the Season’s Most Common Sticky Situations.”

Explain in advance to family members that the visit will be limited to a few hours or a few days, depending on whether travel is required, Post advises. This is especially important if visits in the past have been lengthy so family members can plan accordingly. If travel is required, Post recommends staying with the family member who gets along best with the spouse or getting a hotel room.

Family Problems With Visiting Relatives

What if the family members are coming to stay with the married couple? Follow the same rules. Notify visitors in advance how long the visit can be based on other plans. Post says it is okay for one spouse to have some alone time during family visits. Make sure he or she is there for the family gatherings but build in some free time too. “He shouldn’t disappear for the entire visit, but it’s OK to keep face time at a minimum,” she says.

If possible, set up an area where family members can retreat as well. An all-inclusive area with comfortable chairs, a television and some magazines and snacks will allow visitors to retreat in comfort for an early evening or give them a place to recharge their batteries. It’s easy to fill the schedule with holiday events during Christmas visits but keep in mind that tiredness or hunger can make people grouchy and more inclined to bicker.

Fighting and stress do not have to be a holiday tradition. Set a time and date to discuss important family issues before or after the holiday. Don’t be afraid to keep family visits short to keep the peace and make sure everyone has some down time during visits. Being proactive can ensure that everyone has a happy Thanksgiving and a merry Christmas with less family fighting.

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Genna Cockerham - Genna Cockerham has been writing online since November 2008. She served as Marriage Feature Writer from December 2008 to February ...